The Importance of Love
The Importance of Love
By Ben McGregor
“…we must begin to love in order not to fall ill…” (Freud, 1914, p.85)
In the past, I have had significant challenges with my marriage and struggled at times to give and receive love. It has had an effect on my mental well-being, my family life, career and friendships. Using strategies from evidence based positive psychology, I have been able to improve love in my marriage and more importantly, love for myself.
Over a nine-week period I committed to completing the following positive psychology interventions to increase my capacity to love another and myself;
Mindfulness – Complete 10-15-minute guided loving kindness meditations 3 times a week, first thing in the morning.
Exercise – Complete two 45-minute gym sessions and swim 1km per week.
Use positive illusion – Even when faced with challenges, think of it in the best possible light.
Marriage work- commit to twenty minutes a day of quality conversation with my spouse.
I completed a Capacity to Love Inventory each week for 9 weeks. You can take the quiz here: https://forms.gle/Rqi8WvjcATJVL2hF7 . This inventory asks 41 questions across six dimensions: Interest in the life of other, Trust, Humility and Gratitude, Ego, Sexual Passion and Acceptance.
Using research, I found that high levels of commitment to love has been linked to better health and lower levels of depression and anxiety. A commitment to love promotes growth, improves learning and increases self-actualisation. Individuals that increase their capacity to love experience benefits that include a broadening of behaviours, an ability to combat negative emotions, are able to build psychological resilience and enhance emotional well-being.
John Gottman & Nan Silver, Authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work report that happily married people live longer, are less likely to get ill, eat better and contribute positively to the well-being of their offspring. They propose that couples would get three times the health benefits of regular exercise if they were to spend twenty minutes a day working on their marriage. Consciously making time to have quality conversations with my wife for twenty minutes a day increased the love in our marriage. Speaking about common interests, listening attentively, concentrating on the positives and focusing on each other’s strengths enabled free flowing, highly arousing cognitive connections.
Positive Illusion has also been shown to enhance romantic relationships by seeing your marriage as better than other marriages and viewing your partner more favourably than yourself. During conversations I consciously used positive illusion. I felt more secure, more connected and content that my wife was wanting to engage in conversation.
Using meditation can increase our capacity to love ourselves and others. Meditating with the intention that love is all you need had a profound effect on me. Loving kindness meditations increase positive emotions like love, joy and contentment. After just three weeks, I noticed increased vigour and a readiness for the day ahead. The meditations required practice, and as I improved, my hedonic needs were replaced with mindful practice. I focused on loving myself, showing kindness to others and just being. I could feel the improvement of my well-being and demeanour throughout a day.
The fact that loving relationships can cure illness, make you live longer, and experience life satisfaction should be a focus for everyone. Unfortunately, we are busy, making money, dealing with societal pressures and trying to balance a career, family and social life. We compare ourselves to others and feel like life is a competition. In the end, we need love. Love for our partners, kids, colleagues and family. Love is at the heart of everything and with a better understanding of love and the powerful affect it has, this intervention has enhanced my marriage and my life.
My Capacity to Love score went from 72 to 127 over that 9-week period. I felt better about myself and better about my role as a partner. Over the coming weeks, try to enhance your awareness around love. How can you show up in a loving way? Focus on loving yourself and commit to your intentions. Be the giver and spreader of love and see what comes back.
