“This Too Shall Pass.”
“This too shall pass”
By Jenny McGregor
Grief is a mighty force. After the sudden and unexpected death of my son, grief seized me with its relentless grip. It pulled me into a very dark, scary and painful place, that I thought I would not come back from. Little did I know, grief was providing an opening into something new.
Many of us are familiar with the saying, “This Too Shall Pass”, said to have originated in the writings from Medieval Persian Sufi Poets. It speaks to the temporary nature of the human condition, that neither the negative or the positive moments in life ever indefinitely last. Yet in the uncomfortably, tight, grasp of grief, it felt like an inaccessible truth. Every painful second felt like an eternity and I couldn’t perceive how this was ever going to pass!
Intense waves of suffering, completely overwhelmed my mental and physical body, I was in complete despair and shock. Stuck in a hole of suffering that apparently, only time could heal, with pain so extreme it was suffocating me! Ending my own life, felt like the only viable solution, but I could not and would not do that to my husband & family. So where was I to go from here?
It's a curious thing that my life had to take such an extreme U-turn, for me to finally stop… and listen. Up until this moment, I had been living life on a treadmill of sorts, always trying to keep up with all the “important” things I had to get done. Always trying to control the configuration of my life’s circumstances, in an attempt to keep me '“safe.” Desperately trying to hold all of the pieces together, to avoid disastrous things happening. Oftentimes, anxious and overwhelmed by the stress of trying to stay afloat and never reaching the “shore.” This would usually result in feelings of unworthiness, like I had failed, and I would spiral downwards feeling depressed and hopeless about not being good enough. If times got really challenging, I’d either run, avoid or numb it out somehow.
For the first time, life gave me no choice but to just stop and face it head on; which is when an even more curious thing happened…
Of course, there came a tidal wave of intense feelings of grief, and for the first time, I allowed them to be there and I allowed myself to just feel them exactly as they were. I cried, I screamed, I wailed; I surrendered to the moment and fully accepted what was happening. Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now”, helped me to say “yes” to this unthinkable situation. Interestingly in saying yes to it, it didn’t make it any worse, but it did provide an opening into something new.
I was, living my worst nightmare, yet as I allowed it to be there just as it was, I was empowered to realise, ultimately nothing had changed. It’s true, my son was gone, but here I was still breathing, still thinking, still feeling, still living, still being. Whilst this nightmare was an intensely painful period of time in my life, it had not destroyed me completely. I realised; I was staring fear in the face. Fear; the driving force of my life up until this time, the cause of so much physical & mental discomfort. Yet in this moment I knew for the first time, that fear is not real. Fear is a construct of the mind.
A new way of being had flowered into my consciousness and ultimately, I had a deeper understanding of the blessings my son and his passing had gifted me. Such intense grief gave me an opportunity to connect with the truth of my being. It was a gateway into the present moment, and a reminder that I have the ability to respond to life however I choose to. A reminder of how empowered I truly am; how empowered we all are. For the first time, I actually felt like I had some control over my life. I was no longer going to play the” victim.” How ironic that it took letting go to gain control.
In the days, weeks, months (even years) to follow, I walked around in a daze. Empowered by the knowledge that I could face anything and would always be okay, whilst also still navigating the waves of grief that would rise and fall. I missed my son desperately; the sadness some days was so heavy. I just kept showing up, I kept facing and feeling it and allowing the grief to be there. I dropped my fight with life and instead let it move through me and in doing so, the grief started transmuting into other things like, wisdom and love. A very curious thing indeed when I reflect upon the saying, “This too shall pass.” Perhaps there is more to this piece of wisdom than I first realised; perhaps it also points to the idea of allowing the grief to pass through us.
It is true, grief eases with time; but I understand this is not a comforting thought for anyone in its tight grip. Grief is uncomfortable, heavy and painful, it makes sense to want to avoid it at all costs; yet I know that there is deep healing in feeling. Whilst my grief was uncomfortable, it did not break me; instead, it opened me up. It helped me to find true love for myself, for others and for this beautiful planet.
The human experience leaves nothing out, and I am here for all of it. My greatest joys can only be experienced as a result of my deepest lows. What a gift my son has given me; the ability to experience and generate true joy & contentment in my life. Challenges and bad days happen, but I know that I can face and move through anything. I see now that life is fluid, everything is in motion… indeed, everything is passing.
Reflecting on my journey 14 years later, I can see the growth, the opportunities and the many blessings that have come as a result of the painful challenges I faced. I am grateful for all of it; I am grateful I can say this with such authenticity. I am grateful that I can hold space and compassion for others who are suffering and struggling, and that I can be an expression of hope in a world that often appears hopeless.
No matter where you are in your life right now, no matter what is happening, I am here as a simple, loving reminder, that you’ve got this and…
“This too shall pass.”
